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Krishna Kaur Krishna Kaur yogi. philanthropist. dynamic teacher.

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Kevin Bales Kevin Bales Freedom Fighter. Philanthropist. Game Changer.

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Mastin Kipp Mastin Kipp Writer. Entrepreneur. Daily Lover.

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Desmond Tutu Desmond Tutu archbishop. author. peaceful leader.

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Zainab Salbi Zainab Salbi author. ceo. humanitarian.

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everything

H. Alan Scott H. Alan Scott

H. Alan Scott is a writer and comedian. Featured on Sirius XM Radio, here! TV, Huffington Post, Chicago Tribune, Towleroad, xojane.com and Time Out New York's "Joke of the Week." Oprah said his name.

I was raised Mormon. This is just another way of saying, “Trust me, I have more siblings than you.” Whatever we did as a family had to also be well suited for large groups. Because of this, we often went to the movies.

One October night in 1997, my family set out on yet another movie night. It was my father’s turn to select a movie. Never good at these sorts of things, usually he chose films based on how he felt about the title. This weekend he selected a film that seemed like a musical, possibly a dance film, called “Boogie Nights.”

We took our row in the theater. I sat next to my mother. I had heard things about the film, that there might be nudity, but for Mormons my parents were fairly liberal, so I wasn’t concerned about a butt shot or possibly a boob (maybe two).

Things were fine through out the first half of the film. Sure, it’s totally not a musical (but there is dancing!). The sex is graphic, there’s drug use, but my family seems to be handling it just fine. They might be (bite my Mormon tongue) enjoying it.

Then Julianne Moore tells Mark Wahlberg exactly where (on her) he should, um, you know… finish. This is when I leaned over to my mother and whispered, “We should go.”

“No,” she said. “We paid for this, we’re getting our money’s worth. How much worse can it get?

We all know how much worse it got. (A full nine inches of worse, if you know what I mean).

But my mother likes to frame things in life lessons. As we were exiting the theater, she says to my me and my brothers, “Boys, look at it this way, having a large penis only leads to a life in pornography and drug use. You should be proud of your small penises.”

I am proud, but not for why you’re thinking. Only my Mormon family would actually sit through a film like “Boogie Nights” AND find meaning in it. I mean, it’s totally bonkers. Which is why I’m proud, because it taught me that even the most ridiculous (and don’t forget awkward) situations can be made into something to learn from, or find joy in, or possibly laugh at.

As a writer and comedian, there’s no greater lesson (or source material).

And I am proud of my small penis. Well, metaphorically small, in the context of the story I mean. I’m going to stop now.

– H. Alan Scott

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